I still can hardly think of it without my eyes growing heavy with grateful tears “Why me?” I still wonder. Only God knows, while I remain humbly in awe.

In November of 2020, I was diagnosed with shingles on my back & stomach. A couple weeks later as my shingles began to clear up - I instantly lost all feeling in my right leg. It was scary to know that my leg was there, but I couldn’t feel it. Over the course of months, I was transferred from Orthopedics, to Rheumatology, to Endocrinology and in that whole time, nothing of CRPS was ever mentioned. During each exhausting appointment, a growing list of my current medication was reviewed and, when I explained I was in absolute agony, they would just suggest increasing the pain relief I was on. This wasn’t then and isn’t the answer now. This was an exceptionally bleak time. I was close to tears constantly for months and was struggling with every aspect of everyday life, trying to cling on to some sort of independence. I was flooded with powerful emotions of grief, anger and desperation as I tried to get through each long day and night in so much pain. There were may hard things to cope with in this time. Perhaps the hardest things were; not knowing what was going on and the lack of answers from any health professional.

I went from doctor, after doctor and no one could seem to tell me what was wrong. My pain continued increasing every single day, and my leg was becoming weaker by the moment. In June 2021, I went to the ER because I couldn’t feel or wiggle my toes. I was admitted into the hospital right away, and they had finally given me a diagnosis - Tularemia. It’s a very rare rabbid fever, and deadly disease if not treated. The doctors told me that if I would not have come when I did, I would’ve died. A week later, I was discharged from the hospital, and I thought I was on the right path to recovery. But just a couple days later, my pain instantly started coming back.

Every day was a battle of choosing whether to give up or keep fighting. I wish I could say that I never wanted to give up. But I did. Several times. I felt worthless and without purpose. I felt defined by illness and fear.

I’ve learned that healing is not a quick or linear process. Rather, there are many, many layers to the process. But I reached the beginning of the other side. The side where hope, peace, healing and freedom live. The side where you find out you have a choice to let the fire consume and define you or strengthen and refine you. I’ve had to face my fears head on in order to heal and let go of every ounce of control I ever thought I had. Everything changed when I surrendered. I surrendered to His process and plans, the good and the bad, knowing that it’s all purposed for my good and His glory. I learned to welcome the suffering and love my journey because if it somehow is bringing glory to His kingdom, there’s nothing else I’d rather do.

The impossible happens when you silence everything but His voice and be obedient to what He’s calling you to do. I don’t understand His ways and I don’t think I ever will, but I know our God is faithful. I look back and see His hand on it all. He’s proved His faithfulness to me time and time again. That is what keeps me going.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to relieve me of this. But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So, I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me. I’m not defeated by my weakness but delighted! For when I feel my weakness and endure mistreatment—when I’m surrounded with troubles on every side and face persecution because of my love for Christ—I am made yet stronger. For my weakness becomes a portal to God’s power.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:8-10‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Today I get to celebrate six months from when God healed me from a disease that was taking my life.

God is so very good!

Sara

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